“My parents say if someone hits me, I should hit them back!” This is a phrase that we often hear children, especially those new to our school say. It is understandable that a parent might say this—no one wants to see their child be hurt or become the victim of a bully. We have found that this actually does not work well in practice at school, and we are trying to teach our students a more peaceful way to resolve conflicts. Why does “hitting back” not work?
Hitting back does not solve a problem; it only escalates the violence. I hit you, you hit back, I kick you, etc.
As students learn to navigate school with many other students, there will be times someone is accidentally bumped into. Students who are told to hit back often respond to accidental touches with pushes or hits. It can be hard for a young child to tell the difference between accident and “on purpose.” Imagine the chaos if a kindergarten line full of children responded to accidental bumps with hitting!
Students who are told to hit back or defend themselves are much more likely to respond in a physical way rather than trying to resolve a problem with a peer or ask for help from an adult.
Hitting (or physical violence of any kind) can lead to consequences at school, and this can feel confusing for a child who is told at home to hit, but at school to solve problems with words.
Hitting back is not how successful adults solve problems in the world, and we want to prepare our students to successfully navigate the world as adults.
“Fine,” I hear you saying, “then what do you think I should be telling my child?” At school, we talk to students about small problems (the ones they can solve on their own) and big problems (which are scary, dangerous, or could hurt someone). Big problems, like hitting, should be brought to an adult who can help right away. Small problems, like someone not playing fairly in a game or not sharing a favored toy, are ones we teach students to solve using tools such as the “Wheel of Choice.” This is displayed in each of our classrooms and our counselor, Ms. Matsui, and classroom teachers help students know how to use the different options. We ask students to try two choices, and then let an adult know if they still need help. Many parents find it helpful to put a copy of the Wheel of Choice on the refrigerator at home and to teach siblings to use it when conflicts arise!
Another tool that students learn about at Thurgood Marshall from our RULER Self-Regulation Program is called “The Blueprint.” This tool walks students through steps of thinking about how they felt in the moment of conflict and how the other person felt. This helps students to build empathy for others, to take another person’s perspective, and then to think about how to solve the problem. These are important real-world skills for our children, just as they are for adults.
A final thought—rarely is there ever a time where engaging violence with violence helps to bring about peace. We want our school to be a calm, peaceful place because this is where our children can do their best learning. You can help support this by encouraging your child to use peaceful strategies for problem-solving.
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